Hard Up Abbott Ruins Weekend

Tony Abbott continues to bewilder if not outright disgust. In Launceston yesterday Abbott described sex as “one of life’s great joys” and bemoaned the lack he's getting out on the campaign trail. People were instantly thrown into a horrible image of Abbott either hard at play on the workbench, or lustily stalking lonely hotel corridors, clenching and unclenching his fist.

Abbott went on to say that “…inevitably there's a sense in which the electorate is your family as much as your own family.” That might explain why he is able to floor us with swift segues between the usual pap he speaks and a running “Dear Tony” styled sexual advice clinic in which he has described, over the years, the dangers of 'Vattican Roulette', his emotional discovery of a long lost son in the Canberra media (who wasn’t, actually), and the woman’s “gift” of virginity. Abbott wants to put the country on his paternal knee, and give us all the birds and the bees. No thanks, mate. Maybe he keeps introducing sex into his narrative because of a new found interest in Freud - look out for the upcoming policy document The Psychopathology of (Australian) Dreams - what the suburban house and picket fence says about your suppressed sexual traumas. His eldest daughter Frances didn’t appreciate the advice to guard the gift jealously. Her father revealed to the Herald Sun she had described him as a “…lame, gay, churchy loser.”

As far as we can tell, we're still very much in what people call a 'phoney election campaign', where the leaders stalk each other through the media...but are perfectly free to return at night to their wives. Which leads to concerns about the kind of commentary Abbott will feel the need to run when the election is in full swing - imagine three weeks without the greatest of joys? He'll hit Election Day like a possessed bee, sexual pollen all over his hairy legs, winging back to the hive and dropping comments about his longings. Or else he won’t be able to hold on. He might rip open a ballot box and roll around in its contents, urging the public to punish him.

If anything, Abbott has ruined the weekend for many Australians. His comments on sex are as effective a passion killers as say, shitting yourself, or hearing a missing child report over the radio as you're about to get down to it.

But there is just one more immediate concern. This week, reports surfaced of a clandestine Valentine’s Day meeting between surly media mogul, world dominator Rupert Murdoch and Abbott. The Liberal leader said of the meeting, "what could be more natural?" Indeed. Go with what comes naturally. The editorials in Murdoch’s papers have been reading suspiciously like Valentines Day messages – love anon. And with his News Corporation journos all lining up to give Abbott an editorial reach around; what else are we supposed to think?

A Little Note Under Your Door: The Problem of Protesting Too Much

I never want to go to Adelaide. It's an intention of mine to see more of my own country. I'd like to see Melbourne again, have a look at Tasmania and even travel the desert in the middle part. Where that big rock is. But even without bothering to investigate, I know Adelaide is rubbish. I once worked with a man who told me Adelaide was "a nasty town." Apparently it is the serial-killer capital of Australia. It's the capital of South Australia, and their Attorney General is a self declared 'hate-figure' for many citizens.

In collusion with this state counterparts, AG Robert Atkinson has managed to snaffle the veto for the national importation for R18+ games. In theory then, every video game with marginally dodgy content is going across his desk. There's has purportedly been all manner of dodginess going down on desks in the antechambers of SA's Parliament House...but we'll leave that.....

I'm not into games. They are utterly boring. But a related argument runs that children are morphing into slovenly, vegetative messes because they've never contemplated sports without the prefix 'EA'. I'd rather cede that logic if it means that dribbling, chain smoking, mu mu wearing sociopaths fire mortars down portals in their parent's living room, rather than say, on the street where I live.

Atkinson, though, is also the author - dropping into newspaper lexicon for a moment - of "tough anti-biker laws" and this morning he recognised a theme running through his work. The theme of hate! The A-G said he was more terrified of gamers than bikers. He even claimed: "I feel that my family and I are more at risk from gamers than we are from outlaw motorcycle gangs, who also hate me." Atkinson also claimed a 'gamer' had left a threatening note under his door. I'd love to read that note. I think it would read something like this - MMM FLAGAN! IM GOING 2 FLAME U. C U IN THE CHAT ROOM NOOB. PWNED. BITCH.

Bikers, generally, have one or all of three things bothering them. One, is the Vietnam War. Second, it's a raging amphetamine addiction and a half-finished tat. The dude needs to get his sleeve coloured the fuck in, and that isn't happening until he offloads his pound of crystal. And thirdly, it might be God. All three are more terrifying than some hunched fantasist, whose most violent dummy spits come on in response to online betrayal by fellow gamers:



I've been on the odd online chatroom, where the gamer goes for some solace. They make me think of virtual island nations, usually ruled over by some dictatorial figure YELLING AT PEOPLE for using inappropriate caps and font sizes. There is usually an eerie sense of urgency about all the posts - the kind of crises you might expect if you're primary form of engagement with the world came by way of typing into a void. Loitering in these places must feel like repeatedly throwing a rock down a well, one at a time, waiting to hear it strike the bottom to be reassured the darkness isn't endless. I'll agree with the A-G. He's got some testy people on this hands. But if he thinks they're going to miss meeting 'Beef_69' and 'LordHuggington' for their regular 2.30 am game in favour of lobbing a molotov at him, he's clearly mistaken a gamer for a biker.

But having a look around at some of Atkinson's quotes - and he's usually good for one - you can see the guy is obsessed with video games. Whenever someone - especially a politician - begins a personal, messianic crusade on an issue I get suspicious. Their protests are too strenuous. He's in the closet. I'm with Michelle Chantelois: I want CCTV footage from parliament house. I'm not in the least bit interested in whatever Mike Rann gets up to between motions - but if we trained a watchful eye on Atkinson's activities we might see something interesting. I think Atkinson is a gamer. I think "under my door" is some kind of geek speak we don't know about - maybe threats are busting through his firewall in some kind of Trojan horse. My theory is this: Atkinson's username is LeroyJenkins. There he would be, console in hand and loving the gamer. Not hating him.

Speaking to the House of Representatives, Atkinson said he banned one game, 'Blitz: The League', because "in the course of the game, the player may use performance enhancing drugs." Another game, 'Getting Up: Contents Under Pressure' was banned because it promoted graffiti. In what universe does a roid head or a tagger pose more of a threat (threat to what, even?) than leather clad, angry men descending on Sydney Airport with murderous intent? It could only be the fantastical world of a gamer.

Brisbane Storms! Is this the end of the world?

Today Brisbane received it's largest rainfall in eight years when it was lashed by a thunderstorm at around 11:30am.

It was a common occurrence for most Brisbane residents, who over the years have become used to having to use an umbrella for a couple of days every summer.

But apparently the media missed something- The Human News Network took a quick glance around the online news sites and mistakingly thought Al Gore's prophecy had come true:

On the ABC it was Water World.

At Fairfax's Brisbane Times:
'Day of the deluge'

Amazingly, News Ltd were the most measured in their reporting.

But then again the story which 'News Website of the Year' news.com.au chose as their lead was about the latest Family Guy episode making fun of Sarah Palin

So what was going on? It wasn't a slow news day in the South-East corner of Queensland, with a fatal stabbing at a Catholic secondary school and Hollywood writer and director Kevin Smith being thrown off a plane for being too fat

Maybe, just maybe, the media loves a beat up. Not to mention one concerning mother nature at her most furious, once-in-a-decade extreme weather event that leaves thousands of people wet and hundreds less inconvenienced for a few hours.

People lap up these type of stories, especially with plenty of hyperbole and Hollywood movie titles thrown in. Al Gore knew it, and so does The Human News Network.

Bringing the Crazy

This week human news followers learned that the firebrand from Oxley, Pauline Hanson, was quitting the "no longer applicable" land of opportunity for the UK. See ya later. Despite her best efforts, Australia hadn't become a cowering, frightened and confused country. But she was the first of the political crazies - if you put to one side the Joh for PM debacle - to make a run for Canberra. It's a strange loop; from Oxley, to Canberra, to jail and then to Dancing with the Stars. It's worth remembering just how hard Pauline brought the crazy once people started waving placards at her back in about 1997:



Wow. I guess that's what happens when delusions of granduer meet cracked out paranoia. Maybe it wasn't Oldfield and Etheridge that were advising her, but Admiral Akbar.



Nice space ship. That might explain where all that electoral commission money got to.

Here at the Human News Network, we're concerned for Pauline Hanson. Where is she going to stay when she lobs up to Old Blighty? Speaking from experience, it's very handy to have a couch to crash on while you sort your digs out - otherwise it's the hostel. We're thinking Germaine Greer might kindly put her hand up to let Pauline stay for a few weeks. They've got a bit in common: fiery expats, bizarre outbursts and a strange delusion that people are still listening to them.

Of course at the last state election she pitched up in Beaudesert looking for another stay in a state funded institution (parliament house, this time) but her crazy got diluted by Warrick Capper, who "ya know...grew up round the area." I guess he just backed himself. To his credit, he actually had a couple of ideas that were no less pathetic than the main stream candidates - pub lock outs, etc - but...he's Warrick Capper.



In case you missed it, here's the first comment on that video. Just brilliant.

"I thought this was an awesome song when it first came out. I wanted to give my first and only girlfriend a special birthday present so I took some singing lessons and learned this song. Then at her family's birthday outting at the rocks I sung this to her in front of everyone. She dropped me later on that night. Thanks for nothing Mr Cappa your not an example we should follow I know that now."

But our favourite political crazy has got to be Andrew Quah. A self described "maverick bonsai artist" and disendorsed Family First candidate for the 2007 federal election. We all know Steve Fielding is a joke. These are the kinds of clowns he's got lining up behind him. Quah ran into trouble when photos appeared on the Internet of the candidate exposing himself. Protesting with "that's not my penis!" did little to assuage Family First top brass (all one or two of them) who swiftly removed him from the ticket. Nice one. Probably going to want to have a look at preselection procedures there, Steve, when you're done with the rolling vaudeville comedy.

Crikey informs me that to be preselected as a candidate, it's a simple online job. Just upload your CV, and when Steve Fielding is done filibustering in the Senate or deciding global warming isn't real (we still have not received any convincing evidence for Steve Fielding, either) he will probably give you a call. Crikey did a more thorough job vetting Quah. His personal website, 'The Quah Report - A Download of my Mind' (now shut down) revealed the following. He was a devout "conservative atheist" - whatever that means - and "caused much controversy in the elite Bonsai community for his unorthodox philosophies of bonsai care and maintenance, one prominent bonsai artist publicly derided his work as 'a bad take-away trying to compete against a five star restaurant.'"

Speaking of bonsai care and maintenance and public derision...if you're feeling brave you can see Quah in all his glory off the Daily Telegraph Website.

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/sex-scandal-rocks-family-first/story-e6freuy9-1111114747858

How did Quah account for this bizarre expose? He told the news media at the time that, “I might have been drunk off my face or my political enemies might have drugged me.” How good would that be if it were actually true? The West Wing, meets Shakespeare meets Laguna Beach.

If Quah's story had a touch of Shakespearian tragedy about it, Democratic 2008 Presidential Candidate Mike Gravel from Alaska went for a more Beckettian density in his online advertisment. This is just weird.



Thanks for reading. See you later.